Today’s Dear FineMark is an aging parent who needs help but is refusing it. Here is the question…
“My 87-year-old father lives alone, manages chronic health conditions, and is showing signs of memory loss. He struggles with daily tasks but refuses to discuss assisted living. I live an hour away, and my siblings are out of state, so I can’t be there every day. Recently, his bank called, concerned that a neighbor I don’t know was helping him access his accounts to buy a car he doesn’t need. I’m overwhelmed and worried about his safety and potential financial exploitation. How can I protect him, and would power of attorney help?”– From At My Wits End
Caring for an aging parent who resists help can be overwhelming, especially when concerns about their health, safety, and finances arise. However, being named as a power of attorney for finances or health care is unfortunately NOT a silver bullet for At Mywitsend or anyone else in a similar situation.
Here are a few important things to understand:
- Power of Attorney Is Not Automatic – No one can grant themselves power of attorney. The individual must voluntarily sign a legal document giving someone else the authority to act on their behalf. If they refuse or lack the capacity to do so, this option may not be available.
- Power of Attorney Has Limits – Even if granted, power of attorney does not force compliance. If a person refuses to move, accept caregivers, or follow financial guidance, having legal authority may not change their behavior.
- Consider a Different Approach – Direct confrontation often leads to resistance. Instead, try a softer, collaborative approach—engaging trusted advisors, introducing small changes gradually, and using positive reinforcement. The emotional challenges of aging—loneliness, fear, and loss of independence—can make decision-making difficult.
- When to Seek Guardianship – If an aging parent or relative becomes truly unable to make safe decisions, legal guardianship (or conservatorship) may be necessary. However, this should be a last resort—it’s a costly, time-consuming court process that can strain relationships. If the court does not find the person legally incapacitated, it could damage trust and make future help even harder.
- Get Professional Support – An elder law attorney or geriatric care manager can provide guidance, offering legal strategies and practical solutions that balance protection with autonomy.
This is a difficult and emotional situation and seeking professional advice can help you find the best solution to support your loved one while safeguarding their well-being.
